Feel the Love (Act 2)

I'm beginning to relent, though I suppose I've committed myself, so here goes everything and nothing in one fell swoop.

There are times when I'm independent to a fault, dashing convention, tradition, and expections along the way, and occasionally relationships and the feelings of others as well.

A year or two ago, a sibling made reference to a statement my mom made to him that I'm her least affectionate child. He jokingly tried to use it against me, as though it was some sort of amunition - "at least I'm not mom's least affectionate child." After a laugh and a moment's consideration, I realized I couldn't argue the notion. I suppose there's an ideal that at least your firstborn will find you, the new parents, endearing. I have always loved my parents, but I guess a bit of independence and self-reliance took hold from an early age, and so I shied away from sentiments of love.

Loving means loosing, a reality that I first learned at age 5 when I attended my first funeral. It was for my grandmother, the only grandparent I had ever known, and I loved her. I remember my mom breaking the news to me on the sofa in our old house. It was the day I learned what a heart attack was. From the moment I realized I'd never see her again, my world view was altered. And thus it began, a childhood marked by additional funeral parlor visits and new unpleasant vernacular, such as cancer. Gradually, it became easier to put up walls, to fight, argue, become competitive, detached. Thus, I can say I love things much more easily than I can express or even allow myself to feel an attachment or affection for people.

No more I love you's. I didn't need the words. In fact, being told such was considered an insult to my intellegence. What, you think I don't already know and thus you actually find the need to tell me? I believed people said these words for their own sake, not mine. Seeing dishonesty, distrust, biterness and brokeness in the relationships of relatives, friend's families, and eventually my own family and friends, being told, "I love you" felt cheap, even when genuinely expressed. It was a marketable phase that became words without meaning. Perhaps it was a somewhat weighty opinion for a kid to carry. I guess I've softened a bit since then, if not for my sake, then for the sake of others. I've come to understand how important it is for some to hear those words. Realizing this, I've learned to suck up my pride and say it and it's not disingenuine - I do feel love, whether or not I feel the need to say it. Sadly, it was the passing of another loved one during my college years that taught me to say it more.

Moving right along, here it is . . . I have a tendency to view love as a weakness, or at least the need for love as such. I've heard and read it so many times - people expressing a feeling, a desire, a need to be completed by someone else. I guess I'm the odd man out, or woman as is the case, because I just don't feel that same void. Furthermore, wow!, what a burden to put on another person, to say I expect them to make me/my life feel complete. That would take the responsibility for my happiness, for my emotional wellbeing, off myself and place it on another, someone who isn't necessarily willing or able to meet/fulfill that need.
I'm not going to try to tell you that I've never felt any sort of hole, void, emptiness - call it what you will. It's just that my response is typically to try to get to the heart of the matter - why am I feeling this way? As a christian, I want to know what God is trying to teach me, giving the empty spaces over to Him to fill. But I've seen those who are too quick to turn to the offerings of another to fill a vacancy without stopping to consider why one exists in the first place. It's no wonder addictions are successful- we turn outside oursleves and become needy and dependent on something that's not a solution but a replacement, an oasis, or a delusion.
No, I'm not putting love on the same level as addiction, but seeking either can be spurred by an attempt to satisfy a need or desire. Additionally, I'm not saying to avoid looking to others. Friends, family, a spouse, counselors, pastors, teachers, etc., can be an invalable source of ideas, advice, support, strength, and comfort.

I suppose I could continue to bable about how I think love can be selfish, full of expectations, and wanting of change, but I won't. You probably already think I'm screwed up enough without me providing further evidence, but it's okay, I forgive you.

How does this all relate to the book? I consider the genre of romance novels and love stories to be a bit hokey because I consider the idea of romance to be a bit hokey. It stems from my views of love and feeds my love is a weakness theory.


And now you know, whether or not you should.