fooled

Besides catching up on sleep, one of the things that I look forward to when about to be stuck on an aircraft for 15 hrs is catching up on movies. While there were a few I enjoyed enough to pick up a copy of while home, what really gets to me about a lot of movies today is that it's almost certain there's going to be a moment of "trust your heart" or "go with your feelings."

Please! Okay, while I won't say that feelings and emotions don't have a valid role in one' s life, should I trust my heart or emotions as the basis of decision making? Umm, no. In fact, I'm glad to know that I don't have to rely on them and furthermore grateful for the cautions (Jer. 17:9) that they shouldn't be trusted. Why? Because this week my heart would have me to believe I belong elsewhere and perhaps I do, but just as I'm ready to believe it, God shows me evidence to the contrary. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes I don't want the opposing convictions to my feelings yet I'm thankful that I have a God who gave me what I needed over what I wanted today.

When I wonder why I'm here, wherever here happens to be at the moment, God has been faithful and good to provide me the answers, though in small doses. Any greater amount would find me off on my own and not trusting in Him. What I realized today is that when I need these reminders, glimpses, answers, what have you, He hasn't been putting things in my way to stop me and show me I'm wrong to doubt and wonder, but rather, He's been putting things along the way to direct and encourage. It kind of reminds me of the racer handed a cup of much needed water from someone on the sidelines, someone who's there because they're interested, because they care enough to get involved. And like that runner wondering why he ever laced up and decided to run in the first place, the 2nd wind kicks in and with the encouragement of those along the way, confidence and determination are restored.

Today, totally unexpectedly, I was encouraged by someone God put along my way. As I made the trip to work on yet another dreary day with rain suddenly spitting from the sky, there was a parent of two of my students, standing outside her shop in the middle of the day, in the rain, waving to me with a huge smile on her face as I drove by. How she even recognized me with hair and face buried beneath coat and helmet visor, I don't know. Despite feeling invisible beneath my layers, she saw me. The peculiar and perfect timing of her unexpected gesture stirred my thoughts as I finished my commute.

Despite a great night at Bible class two evenings before, despite leaving feeling incredibly encouraged by what the kids learned and remembered from our last lesson though it had been a month since we last met (due to vacation), despite the joy, amazement, and all the good feelings I had so recently experienced, I realized how easily I could still be fooled by my heart and feelings to doubt the good work that God has begun and His purpose for me right here and right now. How could I be so easily tempted to quit the race or pass the baton a leg too soon? How is it in something so simple as a parent's kind smile and enthusiastic wave, God taught me so much about what He wants and expects and has encouraged me so greatly in such a simple gesture? For perhaps the first time, I felt not just part of students' lives but through them a greater community, the loss of which I've felt since my move here. Perhaps it was experiencing that feeling of community once again during my brief visit home, as well as the fellowship of my home church, that had me questioning my place here since my return. Perhaps that sense of community exists beneath the surface waiting for someone to draw it out. Perhaps it has always existed, just waiting for me to recognize it. Despite whatever caused my heart to doubt and my feelings to be led astray, what I do know is this: today was good because God gave me what I needed rather than what I wanted.